I lost a couple “friends” when my marriage ended after 18 years.  I tried to help them understand.  I explained.  And then I stopped explaining.  They left.  And I learned that I can’t change what people make their minds up to believe.  I don’t want to.  Or need to.  What they didn’t understand was that I was never after happy.  But peace.  And peace isn’t situational.  Not for me.  It’s not a mood or feeling, like happy.  I can’t explain it to anyone.  If you have it, you know.  If you don’t, you know.  and I’m sorry.  But be encouraged.  It’s there.

I found this picture today and it made me laugh.   I laughed because that’s exactly how I feel these days.  Part of me in one frame.  Part in another.  Part somewhere else entirely.  Not completely anywhere.  So, on a day like today, as I am seeing my life as some sort of collage full of random bits and pieces, this image struck me as amusing.  And maybe… maybe, I should stop being so amused with myself and work on composition.  Maybe.

grey st

“… I dream myself a million times around the world… “

more lyrics.  They’re just lyrics.  And I’m sure Dave Matthews didn’t have me in mind when he wrote them.  But they seemed to fit.  In two weeks, I’ll be making a move.  And it feels like I asked,  Mother-May-I please take two giant leaps forward, and she said, No, but you may take four thousand baby steps backward.  The use of a childhood game in my metaphor was no accident, by the way.  I am moving back to my hometown.  Where I grew up.  Or didn’t.  The point is, I tried to avoid it and I heard myself saying out loud several times over the past few years, I did the best I could.  But did I?  Have I ever?  People have told me it’s a step forward.  It’s change and change is good.  It’s just a transitional time.  And I do try to see it that way.  But in the middle of the night… when it’s me, alone with every memory of every bad choice I have ever made… about to pack up my life and leave it packed… it doesn’t feel … good.  So, I close my eyes, and I dream myself a million times around the world.  again.

heads

Anton Chigurh: What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss.
Gas Station Proprietor: Sir?
Anton Chigurh: The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss.
Gas Station Proprietor: I don’t know. I couldn’t say.
[Chigurh flips a quarter from the change on the counter and covers it with his hand]
Anton Chigurh: Call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Call it?
Anton Chigurh: Yes.
Gas Station Proprietor: For what?
Anton Chigurh: Just call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Well, we need to know what we’re calling it for here.
Anton Chigurh: You need to call it. I can’t call it for you. It wouldn’t be fair.
Gas Station Proprietor: I didn’t put nothin’ up.
Anton Chigurh: Yes, you did. You’ve been putting it up your whole life you just didn’t know it. You know what date is on this coin?
Gas Station Proprietor: No.
Anton Chigurh: 1958. It’s been traveling twenty-two years to get here. And now it’s here. And it’s either heads or tails. And you have to say. Call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Look, I need to know what I stand to win.
Anton Chigurh: Everything.
Gas Station Proprietor: How’s that?
Anton Chigurh: You stand to win everything. Call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Alright. Heads then.
[Chigurh removes his hand, revealing the coin is indeed heads]
Anton Chigurh: Well done.

I watched this movie again this weekend.  Not sure why.  And while my life doesn’t have a lot to do with an evil man hunting down 2 million dollars, it does stand to benefit from some of the script.  Sometimes, my life is a mess.  A beautiful mess.  But a mess.  And I’ve been wondering lately, if that’s because I’ve been afraid to “call it”.   Maybe I have been afraid of everything I could lose instead of seeing everything I could win.  And maybe I’ll lose it anyway… if I don’t call it.  Sometimes… I think my life has become more about being afraid than life.

and sorry, I don’t remember where I copied the text, or I would cite it.  some things will always be a mess.

time to go.

There’s a line from a song, “… if you’ve never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame.”   (Counting Crows)   I’ve done a fair amount of staring off into the distance.  Especially in the last few years.   Maybe too much staring.  Not enough doing.  Too much distance.  Not enough now.  So, I made a decision.  I hope it’s not a mistake.  I hope if it is, I learn something from it.   I think it’s good to stare once in a while.  But, for me,  it’s time to take a deep breath and go.