I lost a couple “friends” when my marriage ended after 18 years. I tried to help them understand. I explained. And then I stopped explaining. They left. And I learned that I can’t change what people make their minds up to believe. I don’t want to. Or need to. What they didn’t understand was that I was never after happy. But peace. And peace isn’t situational. Not for me. It’s not a mood or feeling, like happy. I can’t explain it to anyone. If you have it, you know. If you don’t, you know. and I’m sorry. But be encouraged. It’s there.
I found this picture today and it made me laugh. I laughed because that’s exactly how I feel these days. Part of me in one frame. Part in another. Part somewhere else entirely. Not completely anywhere. So, on a day like today, as I am seeing my life as some sort of collage full of random bits and pieces, this image struck me as amusing. And maybe… maybe, I should stop being so amused with myself and work on composition. Maybe.
“… I dream myself a million times around the world… “
more lyrics. They’re just lyrics. And I’m sure Dave Matthews didn’t have me in mind when he wrote them. But they seemed to fit. In two weeks, I’ll be making a move. And it feels like I asked, Mother-May-I please take two giant leaps forward, and she said, No, but you may take four thousand baby steps backward. The use of a childhood game in my metaphor was no accident, by the way. I am moving back to my hometown. Where I grew up. Or didn’t. The point is, I tried to avoid it and I heard myself saying out loud several times over the past few years, I did the best I could. But did I? Have I ever? People have told me it’s a step forward. It’s change and change is good. It’s just a transitional time. And I do try to see it that way. But in the middle of the night… when it’s me, alone with every memory of every bad choice I have ever made… about to pack up my life and leave it packed… it doesn’t feel … good. So, I close my eyes, and I dream myself a million times around the world. again.
Anton Chigurh: What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss.
Gas Station Proprietor: Sir?
Anton Chigurh: The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss.
Gas Station Proprietor: I don’t know. I couldn’t say.
[Chigurh flips a quarter from the change on the counter and covers it with his hand]
Anton Chigurh: Call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Call it?
Anton Chigurh: Yes.
Gas Station Proprietor: For what?
Anton Chigurh: Just call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Well, we need to know what we’re calling it for here.
Anton Chigurh: You need to call it. I can’t call it for you. It wouldn’t be fair.
Gas Station Proprietor: I didn’t put nothin’ up.
Anton Chigurh: Yes, you did. You’ve been putting it up your whole life you just didn’t know it. You know what date is on this coin?
Gas Station Proprietor: No.
Anton Chigurh: 1958. It’s been traveling twenty-two years to get here. And now it’s here. And it’s either heads or tails. And you have to say. Call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Look, I need to know what I stand to win.
Anton Chigurh: Everything.
Gas Station Proprietor: How’s that?
Anton Chigurh: You stand to win everything. Call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Alright. Heads then.
[Chigurh removes his hand, revealing the coin is indeed heads]
Anton Chigurh: Well done.
I watched this movie again this weekend. Not sure why. And while my life doesn’t have a lot to do with an evil man hunting down 2 million dollars, it does stand to benefit from some of the script. Sometimes, my life is a mess. A beautiful mess. But a mess. And I’ve been wondering lately, if that’s because I’ve been afraid to “call it”. Maybe I have been afraid of everything I could lose instead of seeing everything I could win. And maybe I’ll lose it anyway… if I don’t call it. Sometimes… I think my life has become more about being afraid than life.
and sorry, I don’t remember where I copied the text, or I would cite it. some things will always be a mess.
There’s a line from a song, “… if you’ve never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame.” (Counting Crows) I’ve done a fair amount of staring off into the distance. Especially in the last few years. Maybe too much staring. Not enough doing. Too much distance. Not enough now. So, I made a decision. I hope it’s not a mistake. I hope if it is, I learn something from it. I think it’s good to stare once in a while. But, for me, it’s time to take a deep breath and go.