a place like that

mist water trees

IT’s funny listening to my mom talk about her life.  Eighty-six years.  And as I listen, I laugh at some of her stories.  Some of the others make me sad.  But I think what makes me saddest is that so many of her decisions in life were based on fear.  Fear of losing something.  Fear of not doing the “right” thing. (whatever that  means).  And according to her, she lived a full life.  It’s only when I compare it to what it might have been had she not been afraid that I get truly tearful.  Had she done what she really wanted.  Had she said what she meant.  More often.  From her heart and not her head.  Had she not been so cautious.  Had she taken more chances.   And then I realized, the other night, as she was giving me a piece of advice, that I wasn’t sad for her at all.  But for me.  What she was telling me to do summed up her whole life.  And mine, to a certain degree.  I politely rejected the advice.  But it was like a lightning bolt.  And a warning.  And if it’s not too late, I’d like to start by living in a place between right and wrong.   How can there be fear in a place like that.  I think I’ll like it there.

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