blue sea and sails

field morning

I don’t think Mr. Milosz would mind that I borrowed his words.  They have always touched me in the past.  Today, I touched them.

GIFT

A day so happy.
Fog lifted early, I worked in the garden.
Hummingbirds were stopping over honeysuckle flowers.
There was no thing on earth I wanted to possess.
I knew no one worth my envying him.
Whatever evil I had suffered, I forgot.
To think that once I was the same man did not embarrass me.
In my body I felt no pain.
When straightening up, I saw the blue sea and sails.

~ Czeslaw Milosz

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a place like that

mist water trees

IT’s funny listening to my mom talk about her life.  Eighty-six years.  And as I listen, I laugh at some of her stories.  Some of the others make me sad.  But I think what makes me saddest is that so many of her decisions in life were based on fear.  Fear of losing something.  Fear of not doing the “right” thing. (whatever that  means).  And according to her, she lived a full life.  It’s only when I compare it to what it might have been had she not been afraid that I get truly tearful.  Had she done what she really wanted.  Had she said what she meant.  More often.  From her heart and not her head.  Had she not been so cautious.  Had she taken more chances.   And then I realized, the other night, as she was giving me a piece of advice, that I wasn’t sad for her at all.  But for me.  What she was telling me to do summed up her whole life.  And mine, to a certain degree.  I politely rejected the advice.  But it was like a lightning bolt.  And a warning.  And if it’s not too late, I’d like to start by living in a place between right and wrong.   How can there be fear in a place like that.  I think I’ll like it there.

One fear less.

bench sitting

I had a dream this morning that woke me up.  It was early, still dark, and raining, so I stayed there trying to recall as many details as possible.  It was a painful dream because it so closely mirrored something going on in my life right now, but the longer I laid there, the more the pain simply turned into reality.  Nothing more. And that’s when it hit me… One of my biggest fears, had happened.  The reality is still difficult but the fear is gone.  I don’t know how long I lived with this fear, but I know it was beginning to change me from who I am to who I am while trying to keep something from happening.  And then it happened anyway, maybe even because I was so afraid, and it hurt more than I could imagine anything hurting.  Until this morning, when it occurred to me, that I never had to be afraid of it again.  It didn’t have to keep me awake.  It didn’t have to alter my behavior.  I didn’t have to work around it.  Because this fear, this very specific fear, had been realized.  And I was free of it.  And if there is no relief from anything else right now, there is comfort in at least that knowledge.